My Not Bucket List

I don’t like Bucket Lists. Why? Because in every movie or book that I’ve encountered with the main character creating a bucket list, they complete it and then they die.

No, I don't want that. I want something with the same general concept, but not that.

I love lists. I love crossing things off of lists. I love always having something to do and a deadline in which to complete it. I love having my mind focused on a hundred things at once. 

So. I want to make a list. I want to make a list of things I love, things I think are awesome, things I hate, things I want to do, things I don’t want to tell people because I’m afraid I won’t complete them.

And I want them in cursive. At least for today, because cursive makes me feel pretty and creative.

Yes, I will start my lists right now and I will start them in cursive.

I think I am getting into a mental block.
Maybe this happens in your first "on your own" experience, not having your parents even a phone call away just in case.  

You know, fears have this crazy way of gripping your life so much. that you can literally convince yourself not to walk out your front door, just to make sure you don't fail, or get lost, or die. 

But the irony is that, fear is self-defeating. You see, we like to control our lives-we think we can control how we will live and how we will die. And that, we tell ourselves, is living. We tell ourselves as long as we control it, we are living. So when you come to the realization that you're not in control of your life, fear sets in and pushes you into seclusion. It keeps you locked in your apartment where it's safer and you still feel you have control of your life.  But here's the kicker: you've lost your life because of that fear of losing your life.

So these lists are my way of pushing myself back out there, out of the nest and into living. God's got me. He's not dropping me.

(Oh and about the lists. They're private. But, it's boring reading someone else's lists when you can write your own anyway!)